JOURNAL

 

Time seems to get away from me.  I think about getting in here and doing pages and then something comes up and the thought vanishes.  It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just that life gets complicated.  Oh well, I'm here now and so on we go.

My son celebrated his 15th birthday on Monday.  Of course, we had a party for him at the skating rink and invited the friends that he chose to invite.  The party was great.  He seemed to enjoy himself and I think his friends did too.  I took lots of pictures and put them together in a little slide show. 

Most of you know that my son moved in with his Grandma a few months ago.  For the most part, this situation is working out good.  He is happier there as he has kids in the neighborhood that he plays with.  These other kids are *normal* kids and sometimes, they let my son play with them.  But, the older the kids get, the harder it becomes for my son to interact with them.  His mentality is much lower than theirs and it makes it difficult for him to keep up with them.  I'm sure that they tolerate him but I think, deep down, that they really don't want him around.  He looks up to these kids and tries so hard to fit in and be just like them.  He wants to dress like them, do all the things that they do and especially act like they do.  My mom and I are finding that it is creating a whole new set of problems for not only my son but for us as well.  When things don't go well with these kids, we try and talk to Isaac to explain but there is just no explaining as he cannot comprehend any of it.  He gets very frustrated and upset and blames himself.  This is very heartbreaking to go through and we have gone through it several times lately.

I have heard many parents and caregivers say that love will make it all better.  That with alot of love, the child can get through all the rough times.  I am here to say that this is just not true.  Love, for me has always been a complicated feeling.  It could of had something to do with the way I was brought up. Coming from a dysfunctional family there really wasn't alot of love expressed in our home.  I'm not even sure that I even knew what love really was until I had my son and became a mother.  Through Isaac, I have learned unconditional love.  And I can and do express that to him but it doesn't fix any of the problems that my mom and I face with him.  Yet, with every issue that comes up, I think my love for my son grows deeper, if that is possible but love does not make the world go round.  For me, it gives me courage and strength to get through whatever comes down the pike.  And I can only hope that it will continue, one day at a time.

In other news, the man that I referred to as my boyfriend turned out to be anything but.  I learn so many lessons from my son but boy, have I learned lessons with this situation.  This man, whom I've always been close to in heart and spirit has shown me the true meaning of resentment and unforgiveness.  Through my activity in AA, I have learned how to let resentments go and also to forgive.  It is something that I have to do to continue my journey in recovery.  This man, harbors resentments and will not forgive.  Out of all the things that took place during our short time together again, this affected me the most.  I found out that he has the ability to hate.  His term is a *love-hate relationship.*  He had expressed hate towards his brothers and one sister-in-law and now has expressed hate towards me.  I do not understand this and I'm not so sure that I want to.  What I do know is that I can't live like this and therefore we have parted ways.  There is no room in my life for hate.  And especially for members of my own family.  Arguments and dislike for one another is one thing but to hate them is something that I cannot conceive.  When I first got involved in this relationship, I was taking a risk.  A very big risk.  I deluded myself into believing that love would and could hold us and the relationship together.  Wrong.  I do believe that in his own sorted way, he loved me and still does.  But, he is wrapped so tight in his own cocoon that he will not allow himself to express feelings openly.  The communication dropped to sub zero when all of this came to light. 

While going through this situation, I wrote some musings about him.  Most of them are very sad but at the same time, very powerful.  I will share with you the last muse that I wrote about him.  It is graphic and gives a very vivid and blunt picture of what the end was like for me.  I call it *The Comfort Zone*. 

Through him, I gained a new respect for myself.  Through the words I wrote, I realized that I can express myself to others. It is a form of letting go for me and I hope to continue with it.  Maybe, in time, I can share more of the musings that I wrote with you.  But, for now, sharing this one is the best that I can do.  Please feel free to use the contact us link to express your thoughts and opinions, if you so desire.  I welcome any and all feedback.

It is time for a new chapter to open and as always, I eagerly await what might be around the bend for me.  With some new found self respect, it should prove to be somewhat different than what has happened in the recent past.

Traci   

© 2005 Traci